COULD YOU JUST LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me
advice, you have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell
me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have
to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me-strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do, just hear
me. Advice is cheap. Twenty cents will give you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same paper.

When you do something for me that I can and need
to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy;
but when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what
I feel no matter how irrational, then I can
quit trying to convince you and get down to the business
of understanding it.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them. And when that's clear, the answers are
obvious and I don't need advice. Perhaps this is
why prayer works for some people-because God is mute
and doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.


REAL LISTENING
Being quiet while someone talks does not constitute real listening. Real listening is based on the intention to do one of four things: understand someone else; enjoy someone else; learn something; or give sincere help. Pseudo-listening is what most of us do most of the time. When we are pseudo-listening, our true intention is not to listen but to meet some other need. Some typical needs met by pseudo-listening are:

making people think you're interested so they'll like you.

checking to see if you're in danger of being rejected.

listening for one specific piece of information and ignoring the rest.

buying time for what you want to say next.

half-listening so someone will listen to you.

listening to find someone's vulnerabilities or to take advantage.

looking for the weak points in an argument so you can be right.

checking to see how people are reacting, making sure you produce the desired effect.

half-listening because good people do that.

half-listening because you don't know how to get out of it without hurting
  someone's feelings.

Blocks to Listening

Comparing. While someone's talking, you think about how well you stack up against that person.

Mind reading. You try to figure out, or believe you already know, what the other person is                 really thinking or feeling.

Rehearsing.Your attention is on the preparation of your next comment.

Filtering.You pay attention to some things that are said and not to others.

Judging. Hasty judgements mean you've already ceased to listen.

Dreaming. Something the other person says triggers a chain of private associations.

Identifying. You take everything the other person says and refer it back to your own
              experience.

Advising. You don't have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching
           for the right advice.

Sparring. Rather than acknowledge what the other person says, you focus on things
            you disagree with.

Being Right. You don't listen to criticism, suggestions or corrections.

Derailing. You change the subject when you get bored or uncomfortable.

Placating. You're pleasant enough, but you're not really involved in what the other person
            is saying.


So please just listen.
If you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn
and I'll listen to you.


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